[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian.

Edward was born in the snow-wolf clan. The fact that they lived in a dry rocky waste never seemed
to bother anybody. His parents were G'nocktar and John the blacksmith. He had a fun childhood
running with the other children, learning games like steal the beer, knobble the old guy and the ever favourite do nasty things to the kobolds.

He using weapons by the time he was six, like most of the other children who watched their parents
fighting each other on a regular basis. Normally the girls worked out how to kick boys in the crotch
and the boys worked out how to be outside the range of this attack, and no where near. The boys
learned how to use a sword to cut quick exits in tents, and the girls learned attack routines with clothes irons.

John's father was a little concerned with his son though. Sure he was seven foot tall by the time he
was eight, but his choice of weapons was a little odd. Most others were using swords and spears.
For some reason Edward had watched his mother more, thus he sported a large cast iron frying pan
on his back, and twin rolling pins, one in each hand. These being most un-barbarian type weapons
most of the other kids tried teasing him at one point or another. After the first few went home crying
with rolled shins and fried foreheads, his father wisely decided not to try and change his son's choice
of weapons. Infact the local goblins deserted the area after seeing Edward walking toward them with
a cookie cutter and a strange glint in his eyes.

When Edward was fifteen, his father had finally gotten sick of all the snickers from the other barbarian
fathers about his son's deadly cooking techniques,he decided to give his son his fathers sword. The
fact that John had to brain his father before he would give it up was sort of inconsequential.

In a quiet family ceremony along the lines of John walking into their tent, and throwing the sword in
Edward's direction along with the words, "no son o mine is going to be bleeding chef, here, use this
instead." However, John slightly underestimated his strength, the weight of the sword, which more
closesly resembled a six foot steel girder, and his son's strenght. After both of Edward's arms had
healed three weeks later, John decided he could go home without his wife doing nasty things to him.
He was wrong. However when he woke up after being hit on the head with the cutting board she forgave
him.

Edward meanwhile was trying out this new weapon. After a week he could finally lift it, instead of
dragging it around in the dirt. He spent the next day in bed with a sore back. However he persisted
and by the end of the year he could swing it all day with no problems. Well as long as he remembered
to bend from the knees when picking it up. However swinging this lump of metal had done big things
for his build. He now resembled an inverted pyramid of muscle. This really made the female barbarians
sit up and take notice. Edward being a shy lad really, decided this was making him uncomfortable
and disappeared for six months into the hills, hopefully by then all the females would have been
married and he wouldn't be a target, went his thinking.

By the time he got back to the camp, once of life's ironic things had happened, it had snowed, and
a thousand or so wolves had decendend on the camp of the snow-wolf and decimated everyone
that lived there. MMM, thought Edward to himself looking over the ridge into the now doggy dell
beneath him where the came used to be. Then picked up his pack and ran like heck before the wolves
realised there was a nice meaty t-bone up there.

to be continued.

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian

"Bloody heck", said Edward to the world in general, "I know I'm supposed to use grandfathers sword, so I can
look more like a real barbarian. I know I can swing it all day without getting tired. And I know it is
really effective at killing just about anything." as he lops the torso off another orc. "But does it have
to weigh so flipping much." Spinning around to take the head off a hill giant and accidently almost
braining himself as the weapon came back around.

It had been a long day. First the dozen gnolls he had stumbled across, who seemed to be playing scrabble
with a couple of dead dwarves. Then the giant snake who dropped on his head while he was enjoying
a nice lunch of fried scorpion, where Edward discovered that snake doesn't taste like chicken. After
nosing some ruins and running into the pack of kobolds, who had decided that pointy sticks made
better weapons that the swords they were carrying. Well these Edward hadn't minded. Only the fact
there was about two hundred of them. Finally these orcs and giants he had come across while walking
home.

Barely puffing, but still pretty irritated Edward kicked the last orc in the crotch which broke it's pelvis,
killing it instantly. "Right. Next time I'm in town I'm getting some new weapons. Sorry granda, but
I'm getting sick of this lump of iron. I know it was your favourite, but when you get right down to it
you weren't the smartest grunt out there, especially after grandma caught you with that apple pie."
said Edward to the heavens.

So saying the next day Edward wandered into town to the best weaponshop he could find. Over his
should he carried a bag of gold, which he had had to re-inforce twice to stop it splitting from the weight.

Into the fancy shop he went, gathering stares from the various up-crust fighters and mages inside. Looking
at his dirty loincloth and lump of metal strapped to his back. The snickers from the back of the shop
only desisted when Edward plopped his sack of gold onto the counter, which promptly broke in half,
leaving the shop keeper staring and all the other patrons quickly leaving the store, almost as quickly
as if they hadn't been there before.

"Right, I want some new weapons." said Edward to the shop keeper. "What have you got?"

The shop keeper, trembling moved over to a rack of huge two-handed swords. All glowing with mystical
lights and faintly murmering to themselves.

Edward pulled out his granda's sword, putting it on another counter, which promptly broke into splinters.
All the mystical swords suddenly stopped glowing and mummbling, looking for all intensive purposes
as if they suddenly didn't want to be seen anymore.

The shop keeper, was now trembling so much he couldn't speak. Edward sighed and then started moving
around the store. Seeing a bunch of short swords and daggers, he grinned. Now these won't weigh so much
and after a few experiments in their use. Such as chopping one of the roof beams in two with a small dagger.
And apparently they were just as effective.

Edward looked around the store for anything else that may be usefull. He saw some crossbows, some
axes which looked good for cutting firewood, instead of using his sword as he usually did and cutting
trees down for a campfire.

In the corner a decorative suit of armour caught his eye. Wow, now that would stop all those scratches
I keep getting, thought Edward to himself. Obviously meant to be decorative, seeing as the suit was 7 feet
tall, it actually fit Edward quite well, he thought looking in the mirror, which an ufortunate lump of wood
kicked by his foot, destroyed when he turned around.

When Edward left the shop an hour later, most of the walls were stripped bare. A cart was missing from
the back lot, and the owner was grimly clutching the bag full of gold he couldn't move when the roof came
crashing down.

To be continued.....

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian - Edward tries his new toys.

Edward was getting a little frustrated with his new weapons and toys.

The crossbows he had bought had all snapped when he got sick of winding them and used his hands
to pull back the strings. The plate armour had been discarded hastilly when he had slept on an anthill
, and the ants being quite annoyed with this decided he might make a good source of food.

The pikes and spears he had left sticking out of a medium sized red dragon that had decided a lone man
hunting in the hills would make a good meal, seeing as it was hungry. After it's two front claws were
nailed to the ground it finally realised it's mistake, but by then it was too late.

After running into a small herd of wild stone golems, most of the daggers and swords he had aquired
had been broken, and he was forced to bring out his grandfathers sword when they surrounded him.
He sat in the rubble afterward, looking faintly annoyed. Sending glances at the seriously depleted
cart he had been hauling around for the better part of a week, and wondering why he had bothered.

Sighing he got up and went over to the cart and started rummaging. After discarding crate after empty
crate he realised he had used up almost all the weapons and gold he had, and he still hadn't had
much fun or drink out of it. Reaching the bottom of the mostly empty cart, he gave up and tipped it over.

Near the top of the pile of empty containers, he saw a small wooden box, about the length of his
forearm. Clearly printed on the top were the words "Danger, do not open, the contents are cursed."
This would have been a really usefull message for Edward if he had been able to read. He opened
the box. Inside, nestled on empty food packets, and fruit rinds were a couple of gleaming short
swords. Edward pulled them out, one in each hand. Feeling their weight he spun them around
a couple of times. He jumped over to a tree and chopped it down in two swings.

"Ow, quit it." "Stop it." he heard quite clearly. Looking around he didn't see anybody. He looked carefully
at the tree to see if it had talked to him. Nope. MMM, thought Edward. Then promptly forgot about
it strapping the two swords to his waist. Shuffling throught the cart he stuffed the last weapons and
food in a sack and started walking again.

As he was walking, whistling a horrible melody badly. He heard a strange mumbling sound, not sensing
any danger, and not really concerned if something did pop up he kept walking and whistling. After
a while the murmuring was starting to get on his nerves, and he started listening to it carefully, he
finally realised it was two voices, having a conversation, and they were apparently discussing him.

"Great," said voice one, "here we are stuck with captain crunch, doesn't look too bright does he."

"True," said voice two, "nah, looks like your typical empty headed barbarian to me. Not much more
between the eyes and a patch of skin, and some pink bits."

"Ah well," said voice one, "can't be as bad as that orc king we spent the summer with. At least this
one doesn't seem to be made of warts and spare animal parts."

"Does seem to smell pretty similar," said voice two.

"True," said voice one, " I wonder if he ever discoverd water and soap."

"Nah," said voice two, "probably bathes in the blood of his enemies thinking that will get him clean."

"Hehehehe," sniggered voice one.

"Wonder if he has anything to eat," said voice two, "I could really kill a curry."

It took Edward about five minutes of this repartee before he realised it came from the short swords.
It took him about five seconds to pull them from his waist and throw them off the nearest cliff.
It took him till he woke up in the morning to wonder what that murmuring was before he realised
the swords were back.

To be continued....

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian - Edward get's a headache.

Edward had a headache, this was a rare thing and despite it's rarity, he wasn't enjoying it. He put it
down to the incesant jabbering of the two swords which he had tried to dispose of a number of times
over the last few days. None of them had worked, everytime he woke up in the morning, his eyes were
bleary and his ears hurt, as the swords had come back while he was asleep.

To be honest he wouldn't have minded if they talked about useful stuff, like the weak points of enemies,
tactics for destroying other ones and helping keep an eye out for him in fights. But no, they sat there
insulting him or discussing topics like what was better red wine or white, or critiquing his fighting
technique, making magical numbers appear in the air as he killed things. The most
frustrating part being that he hadn't made it past a seven and half finger score yet. And worst of all
throwing off his concentration at critical time with comments like.

"Do you know what that orc had just eaten? I think turning it in crap would make it marginally
better food." After the sword passed through the creatures stomach.

"That's a pretty giantess, I wonder if she would like to go on a date." Then Edward stuck the sword
in her heart killing her. "Oh I guess not."

and worst of all.

"Whee, woooo, wheee" as the sword was flung up against a blocking shield and spun around behind.

It was most distracting for Edward to think that his weapons were having fun with what he was doing.
Especially seeing as they didn't seem to see the need to whisper anymore, and were speaking
quite loudly.

As the headache reached it's peak Edward gave in. "Alright you two how the heck do I shut you up?".
By now Edward had named them Bal and Emar. Which stood for Bloody Annoying Left, and Even More
Annoying Right.

"Wow," said Bal "I think it can actually talk."

"Could have been a fluke," said Emar "probability says, get enough monkeys together, and they can
even write great plays."

Edward's headache went a little hurtier. "I wish I had never opened that bloody box. Alright, if I can't
get you to shut up, and I can't throw you away, then I'll just have to break you so you can't talk anymore."

"Can't," said Bal, in an incredibaly smug voice.

"Yeah," said Emar "we are indestructible." in an even more smug voice.

A light entered Edward's eyes, he always liked a challenge. Picking up the swords he went over to
a couple of rocks, balanced Bal between them, and pulled his granda's sword off his back.

"That sounds like a challenge to me," said Edward limbering up with the huge lump of iron. Incidently
knocking the head off an invisible gnoll creeping up behind him. Seeing as the great lump barely
slowed, he didn't seem to notice the body suddenly appear behind him.

On the sword Bal, an eye had opened up on the hilt. It focused the great lumpy sword preparing to
hit it. The equivalent of an optical gulp was scene.

"Maybe, we can cut a deal" said Bal a triffle nervously.

"Yeah, can we talk some more before you do something rash, like break that big weapon." said Emar
in a rather hesitant voice.

Edward grinned to himself, his headache already starting to clear. Slowing the spin of the great weapon
he put it point first into the ground, nailing the dire weasel that had just sprung from the underbrush
aiming for his legs.

Picking up the swords, one in each hand, he looked at them intensly. "Right, now who's in charge here?"
A definate menace to his tone.

"Well, I guess you are" said Bal, the words coming slowly and forced.

"Okay boss" said Emar, apparently even more unsure of his indestructability than Bal.

Edward smiled, strapped the swords around his waist again and picking up his granda's sword, he
strapped it to his back. He wouldn't have been very pleased if he had realised both the swords were
giving him their version of the finger. Edward wandered off down the path whistling happily to himself.

to be continued.....

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian - Edward finds a door.

"Hey that's a funny rock," said Emar.

"Yeah, looks like a rock," said Bal.

Edward tried to ignore the prattling of the two swords. It seems his earlier threats of destruction seem
to have worn off, and he was tired of telling them to shut up, seeing as though they seemed to be
only able to go a couple of minutes without yabbering.

Edward was following a path up into the mountains, it was little more than a goat path, and had
the droppings to prove it, but Edward was bored. He'd killed all the local goblin tribes and decided
to try somewhere else. The goblin mountains seemed a logical choice.

"Ooo, grass" said Bal.

"Yeah, but it's not like grass was in my day," said Emar.

Edward brooded as he walked. He was begining to think that granda had had a point. A nice inert lump
of iron made a better weapon than all these fancy magical ones. At least they didn't talk back.

Coming around a corner Edward spotted a pair of large stone doors built into the hillside. "Now this looks like
fun," he said with a large amount of relief in his voice. Walking up to the door he aimed a kick between
the doors as he usually did.

"Arrrgh!" he screamed as the door didn't move, and he realised two things. One his foot really hurt, and
two the door was merely carved into the rock.

"Ahahhahahah" laughed Bal.

"Teehee" snickerd Emar.

Edward was really mad now, his foot hurt, and the amusment of the swords quite frankly peed him off.
Pulling them from their sheafs, he attacked the stone door with them. Mostly cause he felt the need
to break something.

After about an hour he cooled down, noticing the grooves he had cut into the stone showed there
was actually an open space behind. "Arrgh, bloody dwarves. Bloody, secretive bloody dwarves,"
Edward yelled out to the valley, which wisely didn't reply.

After the echo's had disappeared, Edward heard what the swords were saying.

"Hmm, ooo that smarts. I think we should try and not antagonate this stupid, idiotic barbarian anymore,"
said Emar nervously, noticing the beginings of a graze on his indesctibile surface.

"You might be right," replied Bal, trying to ignore the swordache that started just past it's hilt.

"MMM," said Edward, examining the cut that had made it's way into the tunnel beyond. He spent the
next ten minutes raving to the valley again when door opened outward with the slightest pull on
the sword cut. The valley really clammed up this time, not even daring to spend the rain it had been
secretly hoarding, instead dumping it on a very suprised and grateful bonsai tree, growing in between
some rocks.

Looking at the pitch black tunnel, Edward looks around for something to make a torch from. Remebering
the glow from the swords, he pulls them out. Seeing as they appear to be trying to avoid him, he glares
at them for a minute, and then stares meaningfully at a couple of boulders, they suddenly brighten up
like lanterns.

Edward walks into the darkness, remembering to shut the door behind him. He wasn't born in a barn
afterall.

To be continued.....

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian - Edward get's hungry.

"I wonder if those rocks are edible" thought Edward to himself as he kept walking down the tunnel.
His stomach kept reminding him every couple of minutes that food goes in his mouth, he doesn't
even need to chew it, just swallow and it will do the rest.

Even the two swords had given up their nattering, there being only so many ways to throw light to
look like a monster, after the twentieth time they did it, and Edward struck out only to discover
it was just the tunnel wall, they were felling a bit hard done by. And their games of i-spy had ended
fairly quickly too, there being only so many ways to say.

I spy with my little eye something begining with R.

Rock!

The other would reply. It only took three bash's against the wall for Edward to make them stop.
It was a personal best for him.

Edward figured he'd been walking in this tunnel for the better part of a week. His food ran out
about three day's ago and he hadn't slept well since. Well that's not entirely true. He had fallen
asleep a number of times. The fact that his body didn't notice and kept walking down the tunnel
was a little beside the point.

About the only creature Edward had seen down here so far had been a couple of displacer beasts,
and after he had dropped his swords and tried to take a chunk out of them with his teeth, he hadn't
seen them again, as they bolted off down the tunnel.

Edward being a stubborn man, hadn't even considered turning back. He figured here was door and
long tunnel there must be something edible at the other end, and he'd be blowed if he was going
to walk all that way on an empty stomach.

However, twenty minutes later, when the swords started placing bets on when his stomach would
gurgle next, and Edward seriously started considering just maybe he should turn around go to town
and find a friendly woman to cry his troubles to. The tunnel finished opening up into a huge cavern.
He couldn't see the other side of it. Mainly cause his eye's and nose had tracked straight to the
haunch of undefinable meat roasting on a spit, bypased his brain and independantly started running
his body, his stomach egging them on. He had the hot meat in his mouth before his eye's even
blinked a second time.

In three gigantic bites the meat was all gone, and lying nice and cosy in his stomach, keeping it
company. It was only then Edward realised he should look around and find his benefactor.
His eye's widened when he realised he was standing in the middle of about thirty goblins and they
were all rolling on the floor laughing.

"What" said Edward slightly miffed.

One of the bigger goblins managed to pull itself together enough to hold up what Edward realised
was a fresh human skeleton. He pointed at Edward which started off even bigger gales of laughter.
Edward grew green as he realised what he had just eaten. He bent over and his stomach, not really
liking the company it was keeping, ejected it's house guest.

"Wow," said Bal, "when did he eat carrot's?"

"Don't know," said Emar, "he didn't seem to offer us any though."

Edward stood up, "Calm, one, two, three, thingy, five, thingy, sleven, ate, nun, ten." after which
his temper had really risen and the goblins all realised, maybe now was not the best time to
laugh and more the best time to run.

After Edward had finished running down the strays, and converting them into Oblins with out the
gee, he sighed, tried to ignore the spicy taste on his tongue, sinched up his loincloth and started
walking in the big cavern.

to be continued....

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian – Edward finds some food.

Moving through the large cavern, Edward realised he had a large blister coming up on his big toe. His stomach was still growling and the stupid swords had started singing some song about bottles of beer on a wall. It was only after he had threatened them with a lava bath that they changed the lyrics to something more enjoyable.

‘Fifteen goblin ears in the bag,
Fifteen goblin ears,
If the bag should happen to up-end,
There’d be less goblin ears in the bag.

Edward really didn’t have an ear for music, but he knew what he liked.

Looking forward Edward finally saw something emerging out of the gloom. It was a small cherry tree. The cherries on it were fully ripened, glistening with hidden juices. Edward’s drooling mouth, made a wet stream on the ground as he ran towards the lone tree, which was thankfully real when he touched it. Edward wasted no time and started gorging himself on the ripe berries.

Now, if by a strange twist of fate, if Edward had been at home the day before the wolves attacked, he would have heard one of the seldom-told tales by the elders in the clan. The one about not eating the fruit of trees and bushes that grow far underground without sunlight. But Edward had of course not heard this, and by the time he realised he should be cautious, his eyesight had gone a little funny. He was beginning to see lots of pink rabbits in halter-tops bouncing around.

His hearing had gone weird; the normal prattling of the swords was beginning to sound tiny and metallic. Hang on, his brain said. They always sound like that, before Edward dropped off to sleep, and a nightmare where the two swords were chasing after him, their blades deep in the dirt and only their hilt showing, as they sped towards him, a strange hypnotic music in his ears. Da DA Da Dum, Da DA Da Dum.

.
.
.

Edward woke up an hour or a day later, he didn’t know which. For some reason it was even darker than before, and he could not see a damned thing.

“Oi, swords, wake up, gimme some light,” muttered Edward, sounding like he half a cat stuffed in his mouth. “Oi. Swords. Light. Now!” he thundered. Searching around with his hands trying to locate them, he finally realised. No annoying commentary. No backchat.
No stupid songs.

“Whoopee!” he yelled happily dancing a jig in the darkness, not caring when he had run in the cherry tree twice. He sat there happily laughing and giggling, then slowly petered out as the oppressive weight of darkness started closing in, and he realised he actually missed the little buggers. ‘Not that he cared what happened to them, no, more that they were useful tool’s, yeah that’s it.’ Edward thought to himself.

Edward growled at the cherry tree, despite it being about six feet to his left. At least his stomach was full now. Getting back up with a sigh and a grown, he spent the next hour trying to find the tree again. His big toe telling him he had found it, he drew back a mighty kick and broke the tree in half.

Getting his flint and steel, and some kindling he set the tree on fire, and picked up the broken end like a big torch. “Ow,” he said, dropping the tree and singing his leg hairs a small splinter lodged in his finger. Yanking out the splinter he picked up the burning bush and looked around. On the rock next to him was a cherry, then another a few feet away.

Edward started up a game of squish the nasty cherry. He started bounding from cherry to cherry along the makeshift path someone had laid out.

To be continued….

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian – Edward finds his swords

Bouncing along squishing the nasty cherries, Edward started using them for practice, jumping and spinning and leaping from each cherry to the next, ducking and weaving. A couple of gargoyles hanging upside down off the roof watched this human with interest, then burst out laughing as it looked like he was doing a complicated ballet routine. One of them laughed so hard his stone head fell off. The other saw this and laughed harder, losing his grip on the rock, and so tied up in mirth he forgot to fly out of the way of the ground.

Meanwhile Edward had topped a small rise, and there before him was a little cottage with light’s streaming out the windows. He was so stunned he finished his routine, by slipping on a cherry, doing a curtsey and landing flat on his back. He stood up grumbling to himself and rubbing his back where his granda’s sword had left a nice angular groove.

Tramping over to the cottage, he walked to the door and put his ear to it and heard some familiar sounds.

“Arggh, I was not made from silver, forged in demon fires and quenched in angel tears to be used as a meat cleaver, and I absolutely refuse to cut up herbs,” screamed Bal.

“Feel, yourself lucky, at least you aren’t lying in the sink with the dirty dishes,” muttered Emar.

“True, I can’t stand the feel of soap, getting into all my pores,” said Bal in sympathy.

Edward didn’t wait to hear anymore, and kicked the door in, noticing that after he did it was unlocked. When he was inside he stopped and gawked. There were two grandmotherly women calmly cooking food. One wearing a faintly pink shawl was deftly using Bal to chop up vegetables. The other, who was wearing an apron with a picture of a person kissing a person wearing an apron, was plucking what appeared to be a chicken. Pots and pans hung from the ceiling and a large pot bubbled on the fire.

“Potatoes are good for eyes and corn is good for ears, aren’t they Agnes?” said the one in the pink shawl.

“Yes they are, Deirdre,” said the Agnes.

“Should we add some fish as well Agnes, for brain power?” asked Deirdre.

“Might as well Deirdre, it can’t make it taste anything but good” said Agnes.

Both the old ladies seemed to realize Edward was standing in the doorway. “Oh do come in and sit down sonny, don’t stand there letting the draft in,” said Agnes. Noticing the door was destroyed, Agnes sighed and made a small motion with her hand. The door re-appeared unbroken behind Edward. He gawped and sat on a stool.
“Yay, it’s our savior,” muttered Bal in a sarcastic tone of voice.

“Harrumph,” muttered Emar, “I was hoping for someone with more brains, or at least someone who didn’t smell so bad.”

This actually relaxed Edward as he had missed their snide comments. “Why did you steal my swords?” asked the old ladies. No response they just kept nattering to themselves. Edward raised his voice slightly and repeated the question. No response. Edward finally yelled at the top of his voice. No response, and that last yell had hurt his throat.

“I wouldn’t bother,” said Bal, “these two old crones are stone deaf.”

“Oh”, said Edward. He walked over to Deirdre and tapped her on the shoulder. When she looked at him, he mouthed, badly, the words. ‘Why did you steal my swords?’

“We didn’t steal them sonny, we just borrowed them. Since you seemed to be having a nice sleep, we didn’t want to wake you, and figured we could cook you, a nice meal, didn’t we Agnes” replied Deirdre. There was something wrong with that sentence and Edward couldn’t work out what.

“Do you know what she’s talking about?” Edward asked the swords.

If the swords had foreheads they would have slapped them. “Just give that pot a stir,” suggested Bal. Edward went to the pot bubbling on the stove, pulled a ladle, and gave the soup a taste. MMM, yummy vegetable soup. Edward turned to the old ladies who were looking at him strangely. “Great I like vegetable soup.”

“It’s not vegetable soup,” replied Agnes a little huffily.

“No it’s a meat stew, we are just waiting for the meat to tenderize,” said Deirdre. She pulled a tape measure and moved over to Edward measuring his arms, torso and legs.

“Should be a dozen portions, Agnes,” said Deirdre.

“I hope we have enough pots,” said Agnes eyeing Edward’s height dubiously.

Portions? Measurements? Vegetable soup? Edward’s somewhat slow brain finally made the connection. ‘Cook you, a nice meal!’ Arggh, they were going to eat him!

Giving a little whimper Edward went into overdrive, kicked the soup into the coals, sending up a huge gout of steam, snatched up the swords to small cheering sounds and dove out the nearest window. Gained his feet and ran off.

The two old ladies picked themselves up from where they fell in astonishment. Agnes looked out the window, while Deirdre straightened the pot and sighed. “Well I guess the stew is ruined Agnes and I won’t get to make that nice young man some new clothes. He must get awfully chilly in just that loin cloth.”

“Yes Deirdre, and that nice boy has run off. I hope we can eat all that nice marinated lamb by ourselves before it goes bad!” replied Agnes.

… To be continued.

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian – Edward finds some dwarfs.

Edward was still running from the old ladies when his foot his something soft and he tripped, just remembering at the last minute that face first was a bad idea, he managed to roll to the side slightly, hitting his head on the rock.

He was still dazed when a torch flared. Edward found himself in the middle of a party of dwarves. It looked like they had been camping, a small fire in the middle had burnt out, and they were all wearing, hat socks, which they hastily removed when they realized it was a human in their midst.

“Who the heck are you?” a stubby dwarf with a pillow strapped to his helmet demanded.

“I’m Edward, nice to meet you,” replied Edward rubbing his head.

“Why were you running in the dark boy?” asked the dwarf again. Removing the pillow when one of the others nudged him and the others snickered.

“There were two cannibal women back that way, I didn’t really want to be made into stew,” replied Edward in a scared sounding voice.

“What? Agnes and Deidre? Those two sweet old ladies. What on earth gave you that impression? They wouldn’t harm a fly. Well maybe in their younger days, but they are reformed now, have been for years”, replied the dwarf scornfully. “You didn’t hurt them did you?” a definite note of menace in his tone.

“Yes those two ladies, they were talking about cooking me, a nice meal. Then they measured me up for portions, and they didn’t think they had enough pots!” said Edward indignantly. “And no I didn’t hurt them, I ran away.”

All the dwarfs started chuckling. “They were going to cook up some of that nice lamb we dropped off yesterday and if I know Deidre she was measuring you for some new clothes, they probably thought you needed them!” replied the leader. Edward was starting to look sheepish; till he remembered where the idea they were going to eat him came from.

“Excuse me a tick,” he said, walking a few meters away, pulling his swords and banging them on the ground for a minute or two. The dwarfs were all impressed by the cuts he left in the stone and applauded, even if they didn’t know why he did it.

Coming back to the dwarfs, “Can I travel with you for a while, I’m kind of lost,” confessed Edward.

“Sure,” said the leader “we were just on our way to roust out some orcs. There’s only about a hundred of them, figured it would take us all day, but if you can help, we should be done by lunch.”

“Sounds like fun,” replied Edward. Then he noticed a short, totally light colored dwarf trying to hide behind the others.

The leader noticed where he was looking, and whispered to Edward. “That’s Snow White, don’t mind him, he was born that way, but don’t call him that, it’s really awkward when he cries. The rest of us call him Bob.” Edward nodded, and the dwarfs packed their gear away, and they all started walking.

Emar and Bal were sulking after their punishment.

“All I said was, I didn’t want to be used to cut herbs,” said Bal.

“And that sink wasn’t doing wonders for my polish either,” replied Emar. “I don’t see why we were the ones in trouble, he probably would have left us there to rust.”

“Yeah, it’s all his fault,” said Bal quietly.

They both shut up when Edward glared at them. They were quiet for about a half an hour before Edward noticed they had started to hum and vibrate quietly to themselves. It was actually a catchy tune, and Edward started humming to himself quietly.

Snow White looked over at Edward a look of horror on his face, as he heard the hum. “No, wait, stop…” was all he managed to get out before all the dwarfs seemed to go into a trance, locking step and lining up, and starting to belt out at the top of their voices.

“Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho,
It’s off to kill we go,
With a sword and a brick,
And a spinning steel toed groin kick,
Heigh-Ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho.”

Edward got caught up in the lyrics too and started whistling, singing and dancing alongside. He didn’t really notice that all the dwarves were starting to get really angry and red in the face. Somewhere in the middle of the fortieth verse they seemed to manage to stop singing. It took them a second or two to get their breath, and then they pulled out their weapons and charged at Edward screaming for his death.

Edward ducked the first cut, looked at the dwarfs, and ran as hard and fast as he could in the opposite direction. If the dwarves weren’t so noisy he might have heard the swords snickering to themselves.

Seeing the wall of the cave a small tunnel leading off it, Edward dove in trying to move as fast as possible. The dwarves stood at the entrance and yelled and growled for about half-an-hour before they all sat down and started to cry. Snow White patted the leader on the shoulder, “I know, I know.” He muttered wearily

To be continued…

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian – Edward learns a new game

Edward kept moving through the tunnel the dwarves had chased him into. It twisted around a lot, and occasionally decided to double back, just for the fun off it. Soon Edward noticed a glow up ahead, and a nice food smell pervaded the tunnel. Edward was licking his lips, till he heard gruff orc voices. His stomach growled, but his adrenalin pushed it aside, told it to go to bed.

Edward turned a final corner in the tunnel, which opened up onto a medium sized cavern, filled with the orcs; the dwarves must have wanted to trim. As Edward crouched there planning how to have the most fun, the first he realised there was a sentry above him was when the rock smashed an inch from his head. He jumped back, pulling his granda’s sword, and swatting at the next rock that was about to brain him. The sword flexed as it connected then with a massive twang sent the rock shooting away from Edward into the cavern.

“Four!” shouted Bal.

The rock, somewhat slower than a cannon ball, when through the first five orcs it hit, pinged off the shield of a sixth, breaking it’s arm, and bowling over three more before it stopped.

“Nope, eight I believe,” replied Emar dryly.

Most of the cavern full of orcs didn’t know what was happening, and the stubborn sentry tried dropping more head sized rocks to get rid of that annoying barbarian, not even looking up to see where it’s rocks were going. Edward was enjoying himself, and he started trying to do trick shots, like putting a spin on the rocks, to hit the target behind. Then he started aiming for the roof, which occasionally knocked stalactites down, but more often pinged off them at random angles, making the orcs scream and scurry around.

When the orc sentry had finally run out of rocks, he sighed and sat down, rubbing his aching arms. He wondered why none of his brethren had attacked the barbarian. His sluggish brain made him look up, and he suddenly realised. He was the only orc still standing, well sitting, but that’s beside the point. He looked down at the barbarian, who gave him a cheery wave and started trotting across the cavern to the tunnel opening there.

The lone orc sentry, by the unfortunate name of Sodu, suddenly felt really stupid, then he suddenly felt really smart. He was now the chief. He scrambled from his perch and strutted around, picking up weapons he had been eyeing off for weeks. He felt on top of the world. Until a party of dwarves exited his tunnel and spied him across the way.

Meanwhile Edward continued along the tunnel. He was animatedly discussing the game in the cavern with Bal and Emar.

“MMM,” said Emar, “ I think you need to work on your technique. You were pulling a little to much to the left.”

“True” replied Edward, “but I think I would lose too much power if I didn’t.”

“Maybe,” said Bal, “but you don’t need power when you have accuracy.”

Edward nodded. “Well, when I have some more free time I’ll work on it.”

Coming around a corner, Edward noticed the glow of daylight up ahead. Starting to trot, Edward moved quickly, until he turned the last corner and smacked face first into a red dragon…

To be continued…

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian – Edward becomes an uncle.

Edward lay there after running face first into the red dragon. As he looked up groggily he realised it was actually the dragon’s butt, with the pile of leavings to prove it. Looking around quietly, he noticed a large egg about 2 feet across, sitting in a pool of bubbling water. The egg suddenly started rocking, and then it cracked open, spilling a baby dragon into the water.

It swum around for a few seconds before emerging right in front of Edward. The baby dragon was completely colorless. It looked at Edward and quite clearly said “mummy”, and then started changing colors. It went brown, and darker brown around the loins and black around the top of it’s head. As Edward wasn’t stupid, merely a little slow sometimes, he realised the baby dragon had mimicked him. Edward groaned again when he realised what the dragon’s real mum would think.

Getting up off the floor Edward carefully tried to sidle away from the baby dragon, and not wake up the big red dragon that appeared to be asleep. Edward had just managed to make it past the big dragon’s snout when it’s eyes opened.

“Who are you puny man?” it asked in a powerful deep voice. Then it spied the baby dragon that had been following Edward. “Junior, what have you done?” the voice suddenly changed to that of a nattering concerned mother’s. The baby dragon looked at Edward, then at the big Red dragon and quite clearly said, “whoops!”

The big Red dragon then closed its eye’s a started crying, great sobbing tears. “I’mm I’mm about to to… die, and I I can’t even wish my baby a happy life… I only held out for her, hoping she would hatch before I died.”

Edward noticed the smoking corpses around him and the twenty-foot stalactite pinning the big dragon to the floor. Edward felt a great need to walk over and comfort the dragon, so he did, giving her a gentle big hug, around her neck.

“Myrtle is that you?” asked Emar.

“Hey I think you are right, it is Myrtle,” said Bal.

The great dragon looked up at Edward and peered at his swords. “Nigel and George, is that you two old mischief makers?”

“Yeah it’s us,” replied Emar “how long has it been now?”

“About five hundred years I think,” replied Myrtle, a huge lump in her throat.

“You are definitely looking well,” said Bal, “except for that bloody great lump of rock of course. What happened?”

“Some thieves came along to steal Junior, but I turned them into crispy critters. I just forgot how low the roof was in here, and knocked the rock down,” replied Myrtle, with a really embarrassed tone to her voice.

“Well accidents do happen,” said Bal “unfortunately it seems like a crushing defeat.”

“Oh you naughty thing,” said Myrtle, giggling then groaning, her breath suddenly starting to come in long gasping rasps. “Do me a favor you two, watch over junior for me,” said Myrtle the final gasps leaving her body as a tide of blood flowed across the floor.

The swords quietly hummed a funeral dirge. Edward looked at the little dragon, now nuzzling Myrtle’s lifeless body. He made a decision. Finding a piece of plate mail with a shoulder guard, he strapped it to his shoulder, after scraping off the ash covering it. He then gently picked up the baby dragon and sat it on his shoulder.

They then walked out of the cave.

To be continued…

[coogle]

Edward the Barbarian – Edward starts teaching Junior.

The next six months was a fun time for Edward and Junior. They frolicked through the troll lands, barely pausing for the occasional fight or two. Edward was glad for Junior’s fiery breath, handy for starting fires, and his warm body, handy for not freezing in snow country. Junior learned much from Edward, not the least how to get back at the swords and their constant nattering.

Junior had grown considerably in those six months, and was now as long as Edward was tall, and could fly for two to three hours at a time. Edward realised it was almost time to take off his training wings.

They were leaning against a tree, eating a meal of fried frog. When a star burst above their heads, streaking across the sky, and landing on a mountain about five miles away. Junior laid his muzzle along Edwards’s legs, as Edward scratched behind his ears.

“Why do stars fall uncle?” he asked idly.

Edward, not having the slightest idea replied, “well, the stars are really specks of dust on the god’s clothing, and they fall because they get brushed off.” Edward hoped this would make Junior happy. The swords snickered on the other side of the camp. They were having some quiet time, mainly cause Edward had got fed up and jammed them into separate rocks.

“So where does the dust come from Unkie E?”

“I told you not to call me that,” Edward admonished. “Well it comes from the mother of the god’s who is always dusting. She stirs up the dust, and then it falls back down again on their clothes. That’s where wind comes from.” Edward was proud of himself; he was making things up like a champ.

“But I thought wind came from the god’s backsides, grandmaster E?”

“Well that’s only when they have been eating beans Junior,” Edward replied, “the rest of the time it’s Helga, the mother of the gods.”

“Ah, what are the other god’s names Eddy Ma’nedy?” The swords really snickered at this title.

“Well there’s Bob, god of making stuff, Thomas, the god of making toys, Simon, god of music, Garfunkle, god of partying down, and there are a few more, but I’ll tell them to you tomorrow night. Time to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow, I’ll teach you how to kill your very own giant.”

“Ah, great,” replied Junior, his youthful exuberance spilling out in short gout of fire that singed Edward’s nose hairs. “Oops, sorry.”

Edward merely patted his face to make sure everything was still there, and not burned to a crisp, found it was, smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Within minutes they were both fast asleep, and didn’t notice the ugly little dirty dwarf peering at them out of the shadows. He spied the dragon, and smacked his lips.

To be continued…